Little Tyke Tactics: THE REPOST
by Heh Choke On This Puppy
Summary: Yes, it is back! The Rugrats set out to kill Zim, deeming him a threat... but what will they get themselves into? Not a story for Rugrats fans, considering there is quite a bit of Rugrats bashing . Sorry. UPDATED & SOON TO BE FINISHED, R&R!
1. And So They Set Off!

A/N: I didn't think of this idea, my friend actually did. This was actually an RP we had; me being Zim and myself, and she being the Rugrats. Now, just to let you know, I am a MAJOR Zim fan and a MAJOR Rugrats hater. Though most of this is my friend, Tegan's, idea, I did write this out and throw in my own stuff ^_^, and after the whole spitting and shooting milk ordeal, the whole rest of the story will be in my hands! The horror! Anyways, hope ya like! THANK YOU TEGAN!! You rawk!!  
Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil sat in a circle in their pen, "intelligently" discussing their new… [spooky BA BA BA noise] plan. Tommy's eyes were filled with a look of determination… ~rolls eyes~ as usual… Chuckie was nervously wasting himself on his fingernails, and Phil and Lil were licking their lips at the thought of worms, what else is new?  
  
Tommy was using a green crayon to draw meaningless lines and scribbles on his notepad, his brows furrowed in concentration. The young boy knew that the earth was in danger; he had seen it on the TV. A green alien with a perky little robot had come to the earth with his goals set to destroy and conquer it. How Tommy understood the rather large vocabulary on this TV show is a great mystery that will have to remain unsolved.  
  
"So here's the plan!" he cried in his annoying voice. "We blow this Popsicle stand and find Zim's base. Then we finish him off." Tommy indicated to his milk bottle, and Phil and Lil enthusiastically spit at the floor.  
  
"I don't know about this, Tommy," Chuckie said doubtfully (not to mention nasally), "Zim is a big green alien…"  
  
"What are you talking about, he's barely bigger than Angelica," Tommy said as he threw down his crayon and notepad.  
  
"After we kill Zim, can we eat him?" Phil asked hopefully, his eyes full of malice and stupidity.  
  
"Yeah, I want his eyes," Lil chimed in, gleefully clasping her hands.  
  
"I want his tongue 'cause it looks like a worm!" Phil said, a rather disgusting grin dominating his babyish features.  
  
"No, I want his tongue," Lil said, favoring the idea of worms.   
  
An angry look filled Phil's face, as he retorted, "No, I said it first! You can have his eyes."  
  
"I don't want his eyes, I want his tongue!" Lil screamed, clenching her fists in fury. Does anyone have a gun?  
  
"I want it, Lillian!" Phil hollered, his face nearing his sisters.  
  
"Well, too bad, Philip!" Lil snapped, her eyes flaring.  
  
"Guys, stop!" Tommy cried, enjoying his role of leadership among his compatriots. "We have to go to Zim's house." A smile playing at his lips, he reached into his diaper and pulled out a screwdriver. Sorry, doesn't that sound just… perverted?  
  
Tommy approached the gate of the pen and slipped the screwdriver between the bars, yanking it up (this still sounds nasty) and undoing the lock. Soon the babies were out of the pen. They ventured into the kitchen, where the stupid and oblivious Dee Dee was walking around putting dishes away, not even noticing the retarded babies walk right out the door and onto the lawn.  
  
However, being babies, they got hopelessly lost, and by some rare, unexplainable occurrence, they wound up in the streets of Manhattan. Panting, they ran up a block, stopping at a certain building.  
  
Chuckie began shuddering, his eyes large and his expression fearful. "Oh, no, Tommy," he whispered almost inaudibly. "What is it, Chuckie?" Tommy replied, hands on his knees, attempting to regain his breath and composure. "We're passing Jess's house," Chuckie said pointedly, holding his head with his hands. "She won't let us kill Zim!"  
  
By rare chance, Jess came strolling out of the building, her hands in her pockets, whistling a sullen and morbid tune from God knows where, when she saw the babies standing before the stoop of her building.  
  
"Oh, it's the Rugcraps!" Jess said mockingly, as if these kinds of things happened regularly. The babies replied to her insult with a dumb stare. Tommy decided that since he was the brave one, and the one responsible for the "team," that he would speak up for the rest of them. "C-can you tell us where Zim is?" he asked, his voice small and clenched with fear. Unlike people like Angelica, people like Jess weren't afraid to mercilessly torture some bigheaded babies wandering around. Chuckie shuddered. "I want his tongue!" Phil cried randomly. "No, I want it!" Lil screamed, overtaken with anger.  
  
"NO," Jess yelled, clenching her fists with anger.  
  
"Aw man, now we can't kill him sooner," Tommy said somberly, throwing a scolding look at the twins. But they were ignoring him, arguing over Zim's tongue once again.  
  
Jess quickly struck her move, snatching a fistful of Chuckie's hair, grabbing Phil and Lil by their small quantities of hair, and picking Tommy up by his… um… collar, since no hair was available for grabbing. "YOU WON'T EVER TOUCH ZIMMY!" she screamed.  
  
Amazingly, the babies managed to break free from Jess's hold. As they sped off on their stubby, chubby little legs, the traditional Rugrats chase music began to play. Her arms outstretched and fingers flexing, Jess chased the babies, and God knows why she couldn't catch up with him, that's just the way Klaskey Csupo productions are like, I guess. The babies must escape! Oh no! We must protect them and give them a safe environment! What would ever happen if we frightened the poor souls of the universe? OH MY! Let's all be bright and happy! That's what Nick's all about! Dance with us now, for the babies will inevitably escape!  
  
And the babies inevitably escaped. They lost Jess somewhere along the way and wound up running into Zim's yard. The babies, being babies, were too small for the gnomes to detect and kill off, but their consistent cheers and gibberish startled Zim from inside. Tommy looked around, recognizing the surroundings. "Shh! Guys! This is Zim's place! Ready your weapons!"   
  
"Weapons ready!" Phil, Lil, and Chuckie chorused.  
  
Suddenly, the door flew open to reveal Zim, donning his disguise. "What the?"  
  
"FIRE!" Tommy screamed, clenching his grip around his milk bottle, sending milk soaring through the air and landing on poor Zim, who screamed, burning and smoking.  
  
Phil and Lil leaned forward and spat at Zim, and being experienced spitters, landed the spit right on his boots. Man, how disgusting.  
  
"Who are you, what do you want?!" Zim screamed, raising his arms in a futile attempt to protect himself from the milk and saliva.  
  
"We are the Rugrats!" Tommy screamed, squirting the last droplets of milk from his bottle onto Zim's boots. Those poor boots. "We are a cute Klaskey Csupo production, as all are, and we are here to protect Earth from YOU, stinky alien!"  
  
"Oh great, baby Dibs?" Zim yelled, disgusted. "That explains your big heads!"  
  
"We have big heads 'cause we're smart," Phil said, laughing stupidly.  
  
"You're not going to eat us, are you, Mister Zim?" Chuckie asked, cowering behind Tommy.  
  
Before Zim could reply, Lil said, "Of course not, Chuckie. We're eating HIM, remember?"  
  
"You? Eat ME, ZIM?" Zim said incredulously before exploding into laughter. "We're not kidding," Tommy said solemnly, but this didn't silence Zim. Was it supposed to?   
  
Suddenly, the door was flung open once more, connecting with Zim and landing him flat on his face. GIR came out, slurping a brainfreezy. "Hiya!" he squealed, waving enthusiastically at the babies. "You're cute!"  
  
Chuckie's cheeks reddened as he twisted his fingers and smiled sheepishly while the rest of the babies just stared stupidly. "Are you the alien's ally?" Tommy asked smartly.   
  
"Um… nail polish is red," GIR said in a confused tone. By now, Zim had staggered to his feet, holding his head and swaggering a bit. "GIR! Be more careful," Zim commanded irritably.   
  
"Our mommy wears nail polish, and it's purple," Lil argued, her hands on her hips.   
  
"I know, me and your mommy play checkers everyday!" GIR cried.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"No."  
  
This left the babies even more confused than they had been the previous moment.   
  
"So, how are you gonna kill me now that you've run out of milk?" Zim asked skeptically. "Um…" Tommy looked at his companions. All of them had a look of defeat clear on their features. They could spit, of course, but it didn't seem to have that much effect on the alien. Oh no! How would they ever save the earth now?  
  
Can the babies restock on milk, or will they face horrible doom?! OH NO! Will this story become associated with Klaskey Csupo or will it team up with Slave Labor Graphics?! WHO THE HELL KNOWS?!  
  
O.o Wow that was weird. Um… review, please! ^_^. 


	2. Tales of the Zita!

A/N: Tartar sauce… sorry this took so long, I was actually struggling with the problem of viruses on my computer (which has, at long last, been taken care of), and I also had to deal with school and sports… I'm exhausted x_x. But anyway, now would be a good time to continue!  
  
"Oh!" a voice cried, and the babies and Zim turned their attention to Zita, who was standing before the lawn, her hands clasped and her eyes alit and gleaming. "Little babies! Aww!"   
  
"Um…" Zim said uncertainly as Zita rushed over to the Rugcraps and embraced a fearful Chuckie in a hug.  
  
"DUH!" Chuckie screamed, trembling. "Aw, so clueless and dead brained!" Zita said admiringly as she ruffled Chuckie's annoying bright red hair. The purple-haired girl smiled contentedly, until she raised her eyes to see Zim before her. Her face fell and her eyes fell halfway in an expression of boredom and dislike. "Oh, hi Zim," she mumbled, refusing to release Chuckie, who was now struggling fruitlessly against her grasp.  
  
"Hello," Zim said, eyes squared.   
  
"Are you babysitting these adorable little tykes?" Zita asked, happiness   
gracing her features once again. "Um…" Zim began, confused. Baby-sit? What the hell?  
  
When at last Chuckie was reduced to tears Zita released him. The retarded   
little kid stumbled away to join his posse, fisting away his tears. "Wimp," Phil said angrily, spitting at Chuckie's freckled face. "Hey, who are you to call my BESTEST FRIEND a wimp?!" Tommy cried loudly.  
  
The two glared at each other for a while before Zita stepped in and took Chuckie by the hair. She reached for Tommy's head without looking, snatching a fistful of air. "Hey, what the?" she said. She turned her gaze upon the Tommy the Retard and gasped. "A baldie!" she cried, rubbing the smooth surface of his head. Her hand finally roamed over the three little hairs poking out. "Oh, here's some hair," she said, smiling. She grabbed him by his three little hairs and lifted him up -– but then there was a scream as Tommy landed right on his ass. Zita opened her fisted hand and watched in horror as Tommy's three lone hairs floated to the grass. "Um… congratulations, Baldie! You're a full-pledged one, now!" Zita cried, but Tommy was now crying pitifully. Zita shrugged and dropped Chuckie to the ground.  
  
"Aw… poor baby," GIR spoke up for the first time in a while.  
  
"Um, HELLO!" Zim screamed, waving his arms all frantically and cutely. I love it when he does that. IT'S SO CUTE!!  
  
"What do you want, Zim?" Zita cried angrily, but before he could reply, she looked at him accusingly. "You never answered my question, you know. Are you or are you not babysitting these…" and here, she clenched her fists and shuddered with joy, "ADORABLE little babies?"  
  
"What? No, I don't think so, anyway. They're trying to kill me, ZIM!"  
  
Zita burst into laughter at this reply. "I don't think so. A bunch of cute little babies out to kill… a… um… kid with a skin condition? Doesn't that seem a little absurd?"  
  
"But…" Zim began, but then stopped himself. Chances were that Zita wasn't going to believe him anyway, and unless he could make up a lie of some sort, he'd have to tell her that he was an alien that was intent on conquering the planet, and that these babies, resembling Dib in their ambitions and head sizes, were out to stop him.  
  
Zita swept the still-crying Tommy up in her arms, rocking him. "You obviously don't know how to take care of babies," she remarked, ignoring the fact that she was the reason Tommy began crying in the first place. "I guess it'll be my duty to stay here for the night and help sit them for you…" She cocked an eyebrow at him. "…You're not crazy, but you are weird, and who knows what you might do to a bunch of innocent little kids."  
  
"Oh, I would induce pain and horror on them, destroy every fiber of them… slowly, one, by one, by one, by one…" Zim whispered, audible to only himself. Grinning, he burst into maniacal laughter.  
  
"Um, Zim?" Zita asked, backing away, clutching Tommy, who had now ceased crying, against her chest. The fat little bald retard [insert other insults here] yawned contentedly, and, flashing Zim a look of fat little bald retard [insert other insults here] triumph for no reason, closed his eyes and snuggled up against Zita, immersing into slumber.   
  
When Zim had control over himself again, he grabbed Lil by her legs and lifted her upside down, so that her skirts fell away to reveal her fat little diaper.  
  
"Ugh, Zim, you pervert!" Zita cried, closing her eyes and shuddering. When she looked again, Lil was in tears, waving her arms frantically. Am I the only one clapping and cheering? Growling, Zita shifted Tommy to her right arm and snatched Lil away from Zim, carrying her with her left arm and cooing at her until she calmed. When Lil had settled down and had stupidly taken on slumber as well, Zita turned her accusing eyes upon Zim, who was looking clueless.  
  
"Man, Zim, you are desperate! Just because you don't have any friends or girlfriends, doesn't mean you should take advantage of BABIES!"  
  
"Um," Zim said hopelessly. He was so confused it was making him dizzy.  
  
"UM!" GIR repeated, giggling happily. He plopped down and slurped a brainfreezy.  
  
Zita kicked open the door and walked into Zim's house, setting Lil and Tommy down on the couch and going out to retrieve Chuckie and Phil. As the two passed him, Zim delivered a good kick to the both of them, so that they were on their knees and in tears.  
  
"ZIM!!" Zita screamed, picking the both of them up and leading them to the couch. "You are the worst person EVER! What is your problem?!"  
  
"They want to kill me!" Zim screamed, vainly attempting to get Zita to see the fact that the Rugcraps were a bunch of retarded kids that didn't deserve to live AT ALL.  
  
Zita was busily cooing to Phil and rocking Chuckie to sleep. When the both of them had given in to dreams, she set them down and got up, making her way over to Zim and slapping him across the face.  
  
"Ah!" Zim screamed. "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ZIM!! ZIM gave you no permission to!!"   
  
"ZIM doesn't have to give me permission to do anything!" Zita cried indignantly, clenching her fists. "You should be jailed for child abuse and sexual harassment -– to BABIES!"  
  
"Oh yeah?" Zim shouted. "Well, who gave you the right to barge into my house, huh?"  
  
"I gave myself the right, because these babies need proper caring!" Zita retorted.  
  
"NO! NO FIGHTING!" GIR screamed, running in, tears leaking down his costumed face.   
  
"Oh… a puppy!" Zita squealed, falling to her knees and embracing GIR in a hug, ignoring the fact that he had just spoken.  
  
"Um… GIR, be a good doggy!" Zim said, perspiration leaking down his face. What if GIR gave himself and his whole mission away?  
  
But GIR had closed his eyes and was cooing and mumbling incoherently, passing himself off for a dog as he fell onto his back and giggled as Zita rubbed his tummy. Argh… SO… CUTE!  
  
When Zita had ceased petting him, she turned to Zim and got up, raising her hand warningly again. "You probably abuse your little dog, too, don't you, Zim?" she accused.  
  
"No," Zim said, looking at her trembling fisted hand.  
  
"Liar!" Zita screamed, driving her fist into his gut. Zim screamed and fell on the floor, clutching his pained stomach. Zita turned around to look at the couch. By now, Tommy was stirring, stretching his limbs and opening his eyes. Zita smiled and Tommy smiled back, but the sight of Zim in pain was what caused his smile. Oh my. What a naughty little bald baby.  
  
At last, Zim arose to his feet. Anger filled his features, but then a mischievous smile flitted across his face. He reached for his ray gun, secured tightly in… um… some nowhere place on him, and raised it, aiming it at Tommy…  
  
THIS IS WHERE I LEAVE YOU IN SUSPENSE!! I love doing that. 


	3. Secrets are Revealed!

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews! You guys don't know how much it means to me! ~Blows nose and rubs away her tears~  
  
Zim's finger was about to tighten over the trigger when suddenly, some person by the name of Floating Mage burst in and delivered a nasty kick to Zita, right in the gut. "Sorry, bro," she said apologetically, "but I wanted to kick her so badly so the author let me. Uhm, bye!" And with that, she disappeared into thin air.  
  
"Oh... kay?" Zim said, an expression of confusion on his features. He turned his attention to Zita, who was on the floor in a ball, cradling herself and groaning. "Oh my, an injury!" Zim squealed, his voice dripping with fake concern. "We better get you out of here onto the sidewalk! Sidewalks help," Zim said intelligently as he dragged Zita out of his house and thrust her onto the pavement. "Heal nicely and visit me in... let's say, about never? Be sure to take an overdose of EVERY medicine possible, it helps."   
  
Zim slammed the door and grinned triumphantly. His expression then turned menacing as he turned upon the babies, who were, by that time, all fully awake and alert. Tommy was glaring hatefully at him, Phil and Lil were looking stunned beyond words, and Chuckie's eyes were wider than ever, and his annoying orange hair was slicked and matted to his forehead due to his continuous sweating.   
  
Zim cackled gleefully before raising the gun again... he aimed it at Tommy and pulled the trigger. "There's no caring mommy to save you now," he said. Before a mind in the room could register what was occurring, Tommy was on the floor, his eyes transformed into thick, bold X's. There was a gash in his head that gushed blood and hair and other gory things. Already the thick stuff was pooling on the ground beneath him.  
  
Phil and Lil burst into tears and Chuckie fainted, tumbling off the couch. Zim laughed endlessly. Suddenly Lil ceased crying and faced Zim squarely. "We are not afraid of you," she stated, her voice taking on a new tone and pitch, sounding very much like one of those narrators on the superhero shows, "we resemble babies in every which way, and yet our minds are developed far beyond the normal toddler, or even adult, for that matter! Our knowledge spans widely, and every fiber of our brain is more advanced than your own, Irken."  
  
Zim's antennae perked up. "What the hell--"  
  
Lil laughed, shaking her head. "Do not question us. We are actors. Do you not know that, dimwit? We are baby geniuses born to play the roles of toddlers in their irrelevant playland. Born to gather wealth and fame for our dull minded creators. Didn't you ever wonder how we could speak rather fluently, even in our dumb baby roles, or how do you think we understand such a large vocabulary when most babies our age can only mumble, 'Dada!' and 'Mama!'? We are cloned babies, living only for the purpose of entertaining, Irken. Which means we are capable of many other actions," she said, her eyes gleaming and her lips taking on a twisted grin.  
  
"Uhh..." Zim began, "then why the hell did you come over here with milk bottles and saliva as your weaponry?"  
  
Lil sighed, rolling her eyes. "Alright, let me put it this way -- this was not really our idea. A writer for our show produced a script with these simple words: 'Learn about Invader Zim and kill him.' Actually, pretty much all of Nickelodeon agreed that this was the best script ever written. And so we were to play the roles of our characters, simply making everything up as we went along. You see, we have a contract between Klaskey Csupo stating that we are to maintain our babyish acts in the face of public, or any person outside of Nickelodeon, for that matter. But since I am faced with the problem that the tables have turned and members of my own army are dying when it should be you on the ground, losing all your blood, I have revealed my true self, our true identities. I am the only one gutsy enough to take such an action, as you can now see. And now that I have unveiled my knowledge, I can easily tell you that I will kill you, Irken. My mind is so much more advanced than your own that I could kill you single-handedly."  
  
"Uhm, yeah," Zim said, rubbing the back of his head. "Look, that may be true and all, but guess what?"  
  
Lil laughed amusedly. "What, simple minded fool?"  
  
Zim smiled widely. "I have the gun, and you don't," he said pointedly before pulling the trigger on her. Lil only had time to gasp in horror before she was sprawled on the floor next to her companion, her chest ripped open and a river of blood flowing fastly from it.  
  
Zim cackled maniacally before turning to Phil, who had hot tears running down his face, tears of grief and sadness and confusion... almost makes you feel bad, doesn't it? Key word: ALMOST.  
  
Zim smiled with satisfaction. To see misery and grief like that satisfied him, brought a smile to his face and a laugh to his throat. It was quite an abnormal satisfaction, but... this is ZIM we're talking about, remember?  
  
"Let me have the honors of ending your grief, uhm... Fredrick, and so that way, you won't cry anymore, and neither will you live with the pain of knowing that almost all of your friends' lives have been stolen away, and the not living part will make me so, so, so, so happy. So, what do you say? A deal? Please know that either way I'll shoot you," he added with a friendly smile. When the only reply was the grief-stricken sobs of the disgusting kid, Zim felt he would lose his mind (as if that hasn't already happened). "SHUT UP, DAMMIT!! DIE! DIE! DIE!!" Zim screamed, firing madly. Phil's sobs stopped abruptly as the shock of the impact consumed him.  
  
Drama time!  
  
Phil's eyes wandered down to survey his chest, which was swathed in blood. It gurgled and rushed out of him, longing to escape. His skin was paling, and he could already feel his muscles slackening. His body was wracked with an unbearable pain like he had never experienced before. The spark of life within his eyes was gradually being doused. "Lil," he cried out meekly. Already, much of his outfit was reddened from his own blood. Phil felt it on his fingers, felt it everywhere. Tears ran ceaselessly down his cheeks. This was it. Death was taking its toll upon the gross little infant. The pain was dulling, however, which was somewhat of a relief. He fell back onto the couch, his breathing ragged and laborious. He closed his eyes as relief washed over him, dashing away his pain and guilt, cradling him with loving arms...  
  
And then the world burst into flames and a man appeared before him, shaking his head. "Sorry, kid. You're with Klaskey Csupo, you get a trip to Hell. See ya!" and he pulled a lever on the couch and Phil fell through, heat surrounding him and laughter everywhere and...  
  
Zim laughed happily as Phil drew his last painstaking breath. On the floor, Chuckie was finally coming to. He rubbed his eyes to clear his vision and sat up, but as he saw his friends lying dead all around him blackness nearly engulfed him all over again and he had to grab the couch to steady himself. Tears sprung to his eyes. What had happened? Suddenly, his memories flooded back and he recalled viewing Tommy's death. He had felt his eyes closing and the next second, when he had opened them, the rest of his friends were dead, too. The kid afraid of oatmeal couldn't help it; a sob escaped his throat and soon his body was shuddering with more and more of them. It had seemed so easy, getting rid of Zim... well, scary, but particularly easy. He and the rest of his team had pulled through everything with nothing more than maybe a small cut or two. And considering that they were 'advanced' babies, he was partially sure that they could flawlessly pull this off. But even Chuckie could feel the Grim Reaper looming near, waiting for him, too. He was next and he knew it.  
  
"Oh great, you're up," Zim said as his antennae swung forward at the resonating sound of Chuckie's cries. "Well get over yourself, you'll be joining them."  
  
Suddenly Chuckie felt his heart banging against his chest, threatening to burst through his ribcage, when suddenly he stood up. "No," Chuckie said, "I'm not ready to go and I won't go until I am ready."  
  
"Uh, sorry, kid, that's not the way things go, at least not in my book," Zim said, smirking. "Now close your eyes or something. I'm pulling this trigger and I'm going to laugh while and after doing it."  
  
"NO!" Chuckie cried, performing one of his karate moves from God knows where and kicking the gun from Zim's hands. He didn't know where this courage was emerging from but at the present moment he didn't care much either. "It's a facedown," Chuckie demanded, clenching his fists. "You, and me."  
Bum bum BUM!!!! 


	4. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

A/N: Whoooa... haven't posted in a while... anyway... yeah. Continuing this, I sure am. I hope you guys like... review if you want more!! DOOO YOOOU HEEAR MEEE?!?!?! - Jess  
  
(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())  
  
Zim was shocked beyond words -- did this little moron just kick a gun from his hands and provoke him, waiting for a battle? Zim growled, tightening his fists and glaring hatefully at the annoying little baby.   
  
  
  
"Bring it on, alien!" Chuckie screeched, throwing back his head and roaring like some savage beast from Nowheresville. "Fine," Zim said, crouching down and bringing his palms up over his head in some weird battle stance. "I'll give you your pain the hard way."  
  
Chuckie let loose a nasal battle cry and charged, fists clenched at his sides and his wild mane of orange hair whipping around his face.  
  
Aaaand... MATRIX TIIME!!!  
  
Just as Chuckie was about to ram his head into Zim's gut, the miniature Irken sprung up into the air, allowing Chuckie to pass under his airborne form. Yeah... freeze the moment for a second. Zim poised in the air, Chuckie still zooming below... and we pan around once... and now we're back!!   
  
Zim landed expertly on his feet and snickered bemusedly as Chuckie rammed headlong into the television set. Chuckie's whole world was spinning. His head pounded and he found he could barely catch his breath. He forced his eyes open and grinned at the sight of the gun lying right by him. He fluidly reached out, snatched it up, and rolled over onto his back, aiming the gun at Zim's head. Zim's eyes widened, but he ducked just in time. The laser singed the top of his head and hit the wall. Zim didn't have time to worry about his minor burn; Chuckie was preparing to fire again. Zim crouched down and sprung up into the air, hearing the laser fire but feeling nothing. He flipped and landed on Chuckie's foot. The toddler screamed and his grip loosened on the gun. Zim's hand shot out like a whip, his palm open and his fingers ready to close around the gun, but Chuckie saw Zim's move before he performed it and jerked the gun to the side a bit. Zim was thrown off aim, and his hand wound up knocking the gun from Chuckie's hands. It skittered across the floor and collided with the wall, where it clattered and then lay motionless.   
  
Zim grinned deviously before leaping off of Chuckie. He darted toward the gun, reaching out for it, when suddenly, GIR scampered ahead of him and picked it up. Zim's eyes widened as he backed away. "N-no, GIR," Zim sputtered as GIR began turning the laser gun over in his hands, intently examining it. Chuckie, who was up on his feet, was about to lash out and strike the back of Zim's exposed neck with one of his karate moves, but GIR caught his attention. His face paled as his courage drained out of him. Sure, the toddler was overall a retard, but... he WAS an advanced baby and could figure out the damage that GIR enjoyed inflicting with even the most seemingly harmless of objects. Handing GIR a laser gun was like handing Johnny the Homicidal Maniac a chainsaw; the outcomes were predictable and should, at all costs, be feared, and even though GIR was adorable and hadn't the slightest idea of what he did was bad and psychotic... well, he'd do it anyway.  
  
"GIR, put that down," Zim ordered, his voice betraying his real feelings about his robot handling the laser. "Put it down NOW."  
  
"Aww, but Master!" GIR squealed, giggling and accidentally pulling the trigger. The laser shot out, connecting with Chuckie's hair, and setting fire to it, though I'm not sure how that could be noticable since his hair looks like that anyway. The toddler began screaming as he fruitlessly attempted to douse the flames that burned across his scalp. GIR found this amusing and sat, watching, giggling happily, while Zim kept his distance. Finally, Chuckie was standing in the middle of the room, on the verge of tears. He was bald, with his scalp charred and blackened. Zim couldn't resist the urge to laugh at the little boy's misfortune.  
  
An angry look crossed Chuckie's features, but then a smile flitted across his lips as he suddenly became struck with a brilliant idea. He had to do this quick, though; there wasn't much time, and he had to catch the alien off guard. Drawing a deep breath, he pulled off one of his karate stunts, flipping through the air and landing on Zim, pinning him to the ground. "What are you doing?!" Zim demanded, struggling against the toddler's grip. "LET ME GO!" Chuckie growled. "Shut up," he ordered, and removed his own glasses. "I have to do this, for the sake of the mission!" Chuckie cried. He fumbled with his glasses and finally managed to unwrap a thick piece of duct tape off of the middle of it. Since it was the only thing keeping the glasses intact, the two halves fell to the ground. By now Zim was really putting up a fight, so Chuckie acted quickly. He slapped the tape over Zim's mouth in one fluid movement. Zim closed his eyes and thrashed around angrily, but Chuckie used all of his strength to keep him pinned. When Zim was getting exhausted, Chuckie released one of his arms and fished into his pocket for a wristpad communicator. He turned it on, punched in a code, and waited.  
  
  
  
"Hello?"  
  
  
  
Chuckie saluted. "Good evening, ma'am!" he greeted. Kimmie was on his transmission screen, sprawled out on an easy chair. She was wearing scarlet colored gloves and was clad in a sequined, red gown. There was a puffy buldge around her thighs that gave away the fact that she was still sporting diapers. Well, maybe she was wearing pullups, you know, since she was a "big kid now!" Kimmie raised her eyes and took a drag on her cigarette. She blew a ring of smoke and then smiled seductively. "What happened to your hair, Charles? And where have those cute little glasses of yours gone to, Hershey's Cookies and Cream?" she commented, a sly smile at her lips. Then, getting her lame joke, she burst into laughter, coughing up a cloud of smokke.  
  
"Hair burned off, glasses not intact," Chuckie stated matter-of-factly, unable to conceal a blush. "The rest of the troop... they have passed on," he continued, breaking eye contact. "I am the only remainder of the army, but I have the alien here, under me now."  
  
Kimmie's eyes widened and she inhaled a deep breath of smoke, rushing it out of her mouth with a forceful blow. "The others, they are dead, Charles?" she asked disbelievingly, crushing her cigarette butt on the crystal ash tray that sat on a dark wooden coffee table beside the easy chair.   
  
"Affirmative," Chuckie said, struggling to keep his face and voice emotionless. He squinted at the blurry form of Kimmie before continuing. "However, I have caught the alien." Chuckie turned the wristpad so that it was aimed at Zim in order to prove his statement. Zim stared hatefully at Kimmie, his slight frame heaving with pants.  
  
"Well done, Charles," Kimmie said when Chuckie turned the wristpad back to him. "You have most certainly proven yourself." Chuckie turned scarlet and saluted. "Thank you, ma'am. What more do you wish for me to do?"  
  
A sudden, dangerous look crossed Kimmie's babyish features. "Bring the alien here... and our scheme will begin." 


	5. Nickelodeon Sucks!

A/N: Wow, you guys.... I HAD to update this... I mean, it's been over a year now! Unbelievable, dudes. Where does the time GO?! OK, well, I'll shut up before I sound like a really really old guy reflecting on the past (wait, that's already been accomplished). I'm really sorry, dudes.... I haven't been updating much of anything because I've been so discouraged with my writing lately, not to mention embarrassed by a lot of my stories. I suppose I can tolerate this one enough to update, though. Thanks for being patient to the people who started reading this from the repost and continue to read/review now, and MUCHO MUCHO MUCHO thanks to those who started from the ORIGINAL post and are still reading now... are there even any of those people left now? Anyway, whether you're a new fan, an old fan, or an ancient fan, do review and tell me of your status =D.  
  
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Zim blinked at the smug look on Kimmie's face before the communicator went blank. He barely had time to think of what was going to happen before Chuckie threw a burlap sack over his head and knocked him off his feet, slinging Zim's weight over his shoulder. Zim quickly recovered from this sudden assault before grunting uncomfortably and twisting around to throw kicks and punches at the walls of the sack, hoping to strike Chuckie hard enough to make him drop the sack and give Zim an opportunity to escape. But the toddler held fast against Zim's struggles, and eventually they arrived at headquarters, with the Irken still trapped in the sack.  
  
Chuckie squinted to better see the form of the fancily-dressed Kimmie, as he had left his broken glasses behind. Kimmie clicked her tongue and shook her head pityingly at her bald companion. "You weren't joking about losing all of them, were you, Charles? And your hair and glasses..." She sighed and crossed her arms over chest, looking rather disappointed. "Klaskey and Csupo are gonna throw some fits when they hear about this..."  
  
"Dreadfully sorry, ma'am," Chuckie stuttered before shrugging the sack off of his shoulder. "But I've succeeded in capturing the alien."  
  
"Ah!" Kimmie cried delightedly as she stood and came to gather Zim's still- squirming form into her arms. "Feisty one, isn't he?" she chuckled. She cast the bag onto the floor and then called, "GUARDS!"  
  
Guards, armed from head to toe in humongous cannons that had the Nickelodeon logo on it (complete with a goofy smiley face), came rushing to Kimmie's aid. "Open the sack," she ordered condescendingly. One of them drew a long pointed sword from his bright green belt before slashing the bag open.  
  
"Uh oh! Watch out!" one of the guards cried comically as a bucket full of slime overturned and poured its contents on the guard bearing the sword. The whole room rang with childish laughter. "Slime is always funny!" the sword-bearing guard chuckled as he traced his finger along the slimy sword, only to finish this sentence with an astonished scream as the sword cut his finger off. Zim was looking around the room incredulously. "Uhhh... what, exactly, are you going to do with me?"  
  
"Oh, that's easy," Kimmie hissed, "we're going to kill you."  
  
"KILL me?" Zim huffed. "You would kill no one! You're loyal to Nickelodeon, and Nickelodeon won't even let you blow up an unoccupied house."  
  
"What if someone WANTED to occupy it!" one of the guards scolded. "You can't just go around and do that! Plus, it too closely resembles a terrorist attack."  
  
"Oh yes, we can't have any of that," the guards mumbled amongst each other. Zim didn't even bother to sigh, as it was typical.  
  
"No one has to know that we killed you," Kimmie said airily, moving her hips around in a circle while stroking the bulge of her diaper as if it was a baby (You'd wonder if she crapped herself and was treating it like a living thing inside of her). "Nick is all about public appearance. As long as we look good and happy-go-lucky, it doesn't matter."  
  
"It doesn't?" one of the guards asked in a small voice. "But I always thought that we really cared... I mean..."  
  
"Really cared!" Kimmie cackled. "I haven't been a part of Nickelodeon that long and even I know that! However, I do know that it has seen its better days, back when it didn't care and SHOWED that it couldn't care less... now it's all about being cool for kids and parents at the same time."  
  
"But, it IS cool!" one of the guards said. "I mean, the new cast of All That—"  
  
"We're getting off track here," Kimmie interrupted. "The fact is, committing a horrible deed without anyone's knowing it shouldn't interfere with our caring façade. Nobody has to know that we finished off Mr. Zim here. So let's do it."  
  
The guards stared blankly at Kimmie, some of them blinking multiple times as if this would more easily convey the fact that they were confused. At last one of them voiced the question that they were all wondering: "How do we do it?"  
  
"What do you mean, 'how do we do it?!'" Kimmie raged. "There are a million and one ways to kill somebody! Choke him, crush him, snap his neck—for Klaskey's sake, you've got CANNONS all over you, and this guy over here has got a freakin' SWORD!"  
  
They all looked at each other and shrugged before turning to where Zim, well... was.  
  
"What are we killing again?" one of the guards asked meekly.  
  
Chuckie pointed a shaky finger to Zim's retreating form and Kimmie clenched her fists with fury. "I'll beat you for your incompetence later," she spat, throwing hateful stares at the shuddering guards. "For now, AFTER HIM!"  
  
The guards scampered away, some of them falling flat on their face as their combat boots could not find purchase on the slimy parts of the floor. Kimmie kicked one of the felled guards in the head and he whimpered pathetically in defeat. "They'd better catch that alien," Kimmie muttered to herself, and at last turned to look at Chuckie. "Charles, dear," she cooed suavely, slinking toward him in a way that made the fake sequins on her gown catch the light and shine brilliantly. "I must say that you're a pretty brave one for catching that alien all by yourself."  
  
Chuckie gulped and reached to catch a stray lock of his wild orange mane to twirl around his finger before he remembered it had all been burned away. Kimmie placed a hand on his charred scalp and he squealed with pain. She giggled. "You never were an adequate 'brother' to me, you know," she hissed near to his face, and Chuckie couldn't help but flinch at the pungent smell of cigarettes on her breath. His heart beat hard as he felt a slashy-untrue incest fic coming on. He knew what the next words were going to be: "You would be, however, an adequate LOVER!!"  
  
"You would be, however, an adequate SLAVE!!" Kimmie screeched, and Chuckie didn't know whether to faint with relief or horror. Another option was opened to him though as Kimmie drew her glove off, whacked him in the face with it (quite proper), and then raked her fingers across his burned head. He hit the floor in an instant.  
  
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Zim kept on the run from the heavily armed guards... it was quite easily to elude them, as he was already fast and agile and was offered an even bigger advantage thanks to most of the guards' girths and all of their heavy firearms. Zim snickered to himself as he raced down an open hallway. Stupid morons didn't even know how to work those humongous cannons.  
  
"Please come back here!" one of the guards wailed after him. "I don't want to lose my job! My little kid and I love it here!" Zim rolled his eyes before making a sharp turn and kicking a conveniently placed medical gurney behind him and in the way of the guards paths (don't ask me why there's a medical gurney in Nickelodeon Studios... let's just say that people get so delirious in there that they sometimes do things that need medical attention). Some of the guards ran into it, causing it to overturn and leave them lying on the floor crying in pain.  
  
Zim screeched to a halt as he came to a dead end, with only three doors to choose from. He chose one on the right and slipped in. He winced with disgust as he realized he had stumbled onto a filming of U-Pick Live. There were screeching, dancing children and some guy in a cow suit. Zim didn't think it was even possible to question these humans' intelligence anymore. It was beyond questioning. One could only know, now.  
  
Zim inconspicuously took his place on a seat viewing the dance floor, when Candace (If I've misspelled or used wrong names or anything, forgive me. I hate U-Pick Live and I'd rather not know much about it) approached him and took his gloved hand. "WE'VE GOT A PIE VICTIM!" she squealed, and all dancing ceased as kids raised their voices with glee and clapped their hands.  
  
"Pie victim?! What is this... pie victim?" Zim said suspiciously before Candace pulled him to his feet and Brad and that guy dressed in a superhero suit came forward armed with pies. A drop of whip cream fell on his finger and he hissed as it burned. "Ready?!" Brad said as he lifted a pie and aimed it toward Zim's face.  
  
Well, this wasn't good.  
  
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You guys, I TOTALLY know where this is going now, so you can bet that there won't be an extended period of non-updating again. I usually do that because I have no idea what else to do, but now I know what's going on and I know how I'm going to end this. So review! 


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